just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
