If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
