So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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