Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
