Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
