Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
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