If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
