Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
‎"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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