I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
