His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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