Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize