I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
