i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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