i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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