Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize