What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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