I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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