i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
