Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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