I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
