woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
