My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
