Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
