guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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