if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
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