Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
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