eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
