I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
