Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
