Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
