I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
