just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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