Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
