We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
