so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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