I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
