You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
