p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I deserve this hangover.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
