Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
