Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
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