I want you more than these girls want KFC
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
