o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
