I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
