Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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