His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
