i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
