Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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