my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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