when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
