Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.