I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I think your dad took our porno
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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