Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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