Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
