if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
