I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
