Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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