My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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